I woke up this morning with my usual mixed emotions - I was excited to be seeing The Tuesday Girls for today and hearing about their holidays and what they got up to over christmas, and then those thoughts started coming in..you know the ones - what will I wear, I look terrible in everything, I hate my hair how it falls, I hate my round belly - always having to wear a belt as being apple shaped, my trousers just slide down eventually. Should I get my nails done to make my hands look prettier. Should I start wearing different or more make-up to hide the wrinkles, skin discolouration and blemishes.. I hate my wardrobe - why does it feel like I have nothing nice to wear or which outfit will hide my round belly more.. And then there are other thoughts - those ones when I think of the day ahead of me - reminding myself to ask about the others holidays, and how they are going, remember to remark nicely on something they are wearing to make them feel relaxed and happy about themselves. Trying to remind myself to be a good listener and not ramble on in my hyped up way.. And of course, the ultimate thought - am I good enough for these girls - do I fit in?
I have so many other negative thoughts that include family - the usual - am I doing enough for them without smothering them.. am I letting them learn at their own pace without trying to add my four cents worth in all the time.. Do I nag too much about the messy house...
These lists go on and on and why????
Then I stopped and thought for a minute - why do I hate such stupid things...I don't judge people for what they wear or look like - to be honest, it takes a great effort to remember to remark on a pretty outfit or hair style etc cause it just isn't what makes me like the person. I like them for them - not the shining stuff we adorn ourselves with. I don't care what they look like - I just like who they are.. So why can't I put the same level of thoughts upon myself?
It's time to change - I don't want to be that person anymore.. I want to hate things that are worth hating - things like that bloody disease - cancer, or child abuse, anything truly important that matters and not things that don't.
I have so many things that I am grateful for - healthy family, wonderful hubby, fantastic friends...etc
So why do I dislike myself so much...how do I change my thought pattern? Something to work on this year - maybe I should add it to my UFO list...
I don't want to live like this anymore...
Anyhow thanks for listening... sorry it's not my usual rambling..